It's good to find out that some people still had the ability to surprise you... better to find out that YOU still have the ability to surprise yourself...
makes you feel human. makes you feel... alive.

I'm in a relationship with a man.
yep.. a real man. not one of my boys... haha. funny thing though. You would never ever get the first impression that we are together. He is not the macho guy I usually go for. oh believe me girls.. He is as effeminate and frisky as they come.

hahaha. What I love is that we are on the same page. We are on the same level. And we share the same goals... isnt that so healthy?

Let me say this for the Nth time.. HE MIGHT BE THE ONE!


I recently almost lost my dog Padfoot. Before that time, I have been writing about grief over lost lovers; But having experienced almost losing a family member whom i am supposedly responsible for, I could say that there are no words to portray the intensity of my despair. As his absence consumed time, the misery did not ebb away, rather it dug a void of helplessness and guilt in me. I felt lost and useless, even after doing all that I believed I can.

For the first time in my life I did not channel the blame on anyone. I did not try to pinpoint the disaster to someone else, not even myself.

But even though I knew that I had done everything that I can, I still felt deeply frustrated.

Still beyond all the other emotions, the sadness was unbelievable.

I don't know what I would have done if Padfoot were never returned.

I am now a bundle of joy and my heart just spills gratitude towards that man who returned my baby to me.
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hello world!!!
after a long, criminally nauseating relationship with another "great one", wherein, love.. ehem.. expired.. ehem... just days after our anniversary, i am once again back in the battle ground.

I'm not quite certain if this is love (am i EVER certain??). it could be just lust.. it could be just my sheer vulnerability or my thirst to be treated like a special human being.. It could also be pure cold hearted revenege to the bastard who broke my heart.. but i dont like to think that. whatever it is. as usual.. im loving it.

thats me. I'm always inlove. I'm inlove with the idea that another person could totally make you feel complete when you were not "incomplete" to begin with. duh.

let me get back to what i said one paragraph prior to this:
I'm not quite certain if this is love (am i EVER certain??).

well the answer is a resounding NO. I always confuse love with other emotions. like dependency. at the beginning, i try to resist the pull. that insistent tug on my heartstrings. I claim it to be lust. or *urgh* like. and i claim to be inlove when i start to be dependent, hooked. in a word: pathetic. and then i make him my world. and then he takes me for granted. and then i feel all sorry for myself and i tell myself I FUCKIN DESERVE BETTER. and then boom! my eyes starts to wander.. my heart grows.... callous. ew. but true. then here comes my knight in shining armour (number... 156??) to rescue me from the evil boyfriend who doesnt see my worth, and i'm swept off my feet. and i voila! im inlove again.

fun isnt it?? NOT.

but see... being heartbroken is the worst and is THE best feeling in the world.

it's the time when you truly feel how human you are, with all that love seeping out from the cracks of your shattered heart (OR SMASHED). your heart all bruised and trampled on the ground and you just want to codswallop and sulk or DIE from the intensity of the pain.

but its also the time you feel most alive. all those emotions threatening to internally combust your sanity... oh my. when every love song seems your own. every movie feels like your story. every sound, every smell, every little detail about life you suddenly notice. And at that moment, you will know, that you indeed have had the unfortunate yet terrific oppurtunity to love another more than you loved yourself. right then and there, you could claim that love IS tangible. for you have touched it, you have seen it, felt it, breathed it and owned it.


guess what??? i think I'm inlove... (or maybe in "like"? he's not really my type but he is uber nice... and he is the perfect person to piss off he i dont wish to speak of... but no! erase erase, i dont want to entertain the idea that im that evil and spiteful.. but maybe i am) YES I KNOW!! AGAIN!! but who cares?? i'm not holding back. I'll never do that. it's not that IM ALWAYS HEARTBROKEN. its just that I'M NOT SCARED. why would I be?? hehe. love with reckeless abandone and cry your heart out like there's no tomorrow. always think that HE IS THE ONE. well come to think of it. I've had a couple "HE IS THE ONE ILL GROW OLD WITH GUY".. but again.. so what??? HELLO WORLD!! I'M BACK!!

sex couple
i'm in a rut and i'm too anchored on cowardice to pull myself out of it. Im the type of girl that eventually throws everything away when she's inlove. i alienate my friends, my dreams and the world. i try to change that, sometimes i succeed in stepping out of the box, but embarassing as it is to admit, i somehow always find myself neck deep in relationship bullshit. i always somehow manage to make myself so dependent on a guys presence that it scares the livinf shit out of me to even contemplate leaving. but that is not to say that i lack love for the person. i love him. with all my black little heart i do. but i recon that the love that i feel borders so closely on dependency, but still, unquestionably, i do love him. for fucks sake that is not even an issue to doubt.

you'd have to wonder though, if we fight as often as we fuck, and we fuck more than we make love, are we turning into a SEXCOUPLE? oh my god that would be terrible.

i hate to even ponder on the idea that we might still be in the relationship because the fiber of incredible sex is binding us together. i really hope that that is not so. because i love him. im not kidding. he's smart, he's easy to talk to, we can talk about ANYTHING, i swear we can. it just gets hard to sort things out when were arguing or fighting since the two of us tend to get too emotional. and theres the issue of _______. he's got a chip on his shoulder over it. ______ ______. i wonder who even invented that! its a damper on our relationship. he's got a chip on his shoulder and i know that, but i dont have enough empathy to just let it go and understand him all the time. i mean it gets old, you know? it really does.

and then there's sex. like i said. the sex is incredible. fuck your sanity silly is more like it. i try to avoid sex right after a fight, or if we havent fully sorted out our issues. but you have to understand its hard. sorry, i mean, DIFFICULT to say no.

here's a song by fiona:

I don't buy your true life stories
'cause I've seen the way you lie
but I don't mind the things you tell me
because I know we'll say anything to get by

but when we're together
somehow I feel better
my disease always tricks me
I believe you can fix me

you're insane
I love the drama
tell the truth
you love it too, I know you do?

reason strikes
we fight and break up
'cause it seems
the easiest thing to do

but when I don't get your call
I go into withdrawal
you consume every thought
but if you called I would tell you to get lost

I need you like a drug
I need you, I need you like a
I need you, I need you like a

it turns me on
to say "I love you"
but deep inside I know
it's lust, not love at all

one day we will leave each other
but we pretend the end's not inevitable
I require protection from my own obsession
in the object of you

one day I will rise above you

I need you, I need you like a drug
I need you, I need you like a
I need you, I need you like a drug
I need you, I need you like a...

until then we'll stay together
I guess things could be much worse
I guess things could be much better
but I don't really want to write another verse

'cause when we're together
somehow I feel better
my disease always tricks me
I believe you can fix me

I need you, I need you like a drug
I need you, I need you like a
I need you, I need you like a drug
I need you, I need you like a drug

if God has a name what would it be?
Religion have greatly failed humanity in many ways, most especially in its ultimate purpose, which is to unite all of God’s people and save their souls through affiliation with a religious sect.

Someone (a great person or philosopher he must have or could have been) once said that it is near impossible to really believe, acknowledge a life directed to the path of salvation and ultimately establish faith if religion was not present. Perhaps this is true, perhaps not. It is simply, my opinion, that the multitudes of religions have caused more harm than good. Just look at the annals of world history. Millions have died in the name of their god/s, battles and wars have been fought just to prove whose god is better. Even in our present, so-called liberal society, the battle of the best religion rages on, separating us and pitting us against each other.

Not to send out the wrong idea, I am not an atheist. I believe in God; in Jesus Christ, the prophets, the miracles, Moses, the parting of the red sea, the plagues, Adam and Eve, Mohhamed the Muslim prophet, the enlightenment of Buddha, the holy trinity of Hinduism and all the rest of their 36,000,000 gods; in heaven and hell, good and bad, and all of those divine stories. I just don’t believe that in order to be together with God, in order to enter his kingdom, I must choose one.

I am not saying that all religions are perfect in their entirety; I am not saying that one is better or worse. They have faults, but that is understandable as religion is created by humans. But all of them, when we study them carefully, are all aimed ultimately at one belief and one goal. Be good, do good, love god and your neighbours, offer kindness, respect all creatures, we are all equal, we should live our life well, considering others and not feeling like we are the best thing that ever happened to humanity, et cetera. They all pretty much teach us the same things. Shown in different practices; explained in various ways; God called in many names.

If some religions do have weaknesses, like Catholic priests and sexual abuse, Moslem and their Jihad, the Hindus in their bizarre ways of worship; we must understand that these are human faults committed by individuals and not the religion itself. If there is a flaw in the system it is because of political agendas and other personal issues of the people in power.

But to single out one religion and fault it as a wrong religion would be sheer discrimination and narcissism. Who are we to judge?

If God were to choose one religion to acknowledge as correct and solely its members were to be allowed to enter his kingdom, won’t that make him an unjust God?

God is too big to fit in one religion. There is nothing wrong with affiliating oneself with one religion, but there would definitely be something wrong if you proclaim that yours is the ONLY way to salvation.

Mangyari Lamang
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig.
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal at nasawi
nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani.
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata.
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit kinukubli ng pusong lumaki sa mga engaknto't diwata.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal,
minahal at iniwan ngunit handa pa ring magmahal,
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan.
Ipamalas ang mga katotohanang nasaksihan nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghagulgol sa dilim.

At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo,
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumayo papalabas sa nakangangang pinto.
Umuwi na kayo at sumbatan ang mga magulang na nagpalaki ng halimaw.

At sa lahat ng naiwang nakatayo,
Mangyari lamang ay hagkan ang isa't isa at yakapin ang mga sugatan.
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap na makabalik sa ating pinagmulan.

Manatiling masaya. At higit sa lahat, magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.


this poem was shared to us (4ca2 class) by our wonderful media law professor, attorney bong lopez. i'm proud to say i stood up on the prompt of the 1st, 2nd and fourth paragraph. but i refrained from embracing my classmates. haha. love this poem.

happily ever after afterall...
ok.. of the past did get married.. hmm.. yes thats right. walked down the isle and siad i do forever till death do us part. well congratulations. do i feel.. jealous? did i wish it was me? oh fuck off. no i don't. i just felt like.. "WOW" some of us do find a happily ever after. it does happen.. marriage at your twenties.. without having to fel that you must date the whole world before settling down. thats all i felt. like WOW. so fucking stunned. wow. love and commitment exists. maybe not for all.. but for some. does that mean im an optimist now? pfft. you wish. im still a romantic. always will be. hehhehehe

better late than busted
i just finished writing my (hopefully) final email to kenny. we never had closure all these months that i have been with Paulo. i was never sure of Paulo as boyfriend material, but wait! that does not ecuse my selfish behaviour.

anyway.. my problem with him is he's too much like me and believe me, its not doing wonders for my ego. in a relationship, im always the princess. whatever i do, wrong or right i always manage to get the guy to apologise.

but its different with him. with him i have learned how to accept my faults and *urk!* apologise and say the dreaded "S WORD" FIRST! which i seldom did before. shame on me. i dont have a problem saying it or apologising for that matter..

as long as i dont have to do it first..

or be all humble and do my "baby jocyl" face eyes glistening with tears and slowly approach the boyfriend and say "hey... im really sorry.. please dont be mad anymore".

i never used to admit fault and swallow my pride if im in the right just to end the fight. i would rather lose the love than to say "im sorry" for something that i know wasnt wrong. but a bigger person can forgive.

i know thats a good thing... but sometimes i just miss being the baby. i know. once again im coming off as a selfish egomaniac. but see thats the past! i always tell myself that the bigger person would not make pride a hindrance to love.

we've worked out our differences. laid out ground rules and all that jazz. he starts acting like the XY in the relationship and i stop using my XX as an excuse. accepting an apology means not bringing up the "thing forgiven" as reference to win a fight. and arguing should not be a competition but a learing experience and a sharing of thoughts and blah blah blah.

so getting back to what i was saying before.. now that i finally feel that Paulo is a good man, worthy of being a happily ever after in my file cabinet of happily ever afters i finally decided to close the case of kenny.

i dont know if i did the right thing because kenny has been so good to me but due to unresolved issues regarding fidelty (for us both) and distance and HONESTY regarding life plans and my problem with him touching base on responsibilty and maturity and his problem with me regarding my temper and impatience... let me say that im giving it all up. and risking my neck as i jump head first into this thing called commitment without a safety net. thats how itshould be.. so maybe ill try it. hope i dont break my back when i land.


PAUndering relationships
Watching sex and the city for the nth time had me reminiscing about my great loves for the nth time as well. Big and Carrie.. could it be that my Mr. Big is Kenny? we’ve had a wonderful relationship together. Twice. And every time I felt that I was finally happy… there he was. Calling me back. And every time I felt so down but too scared to let go, there he’ll be again. Encouraging me to take the step, and he will be my safety net. I don’t know what it is about him that really makes him so special.. what sets him apart or what makes him so indispensable in my life. We weren’t really friends.. we were something else. With him I felt that we would be forever, yet there were so many days wherein I simply wanted him nonexistent. He constantly disappointed me, but he never failed to make me smile and to make me feel I was the most special girl in the world. Yet there would always be times when I felt so down that I felt like scum that could not make him happy. Its very difficult to describe what we had. It was more complicated than could be fathomed. I was happy.. yet I was not. I was constantly on the edge which made it exciting and at the same time unnerving.

Now Paulo.. he’s a different story. Being with him is being all wrapped up in a warm safety wool blanket lined with cashmere.. with a cup of warm milk and nice gooey brownies. With him I did not feel nauseated with fear that he would ditch me for the next piece of ass that would walk by. Secure sort of tranquillity. He started as a conquest who I never thought I would fall in love with. He was a game I was determined to win. But I lost my own game. I fell head on. I was too scared to hold on so I tried ways to get rid of him, but deep down I couldn’t. so I held on. I felt that holding on to him was not cowardice on my part but courage to finally let go of Kenny and our crazy as can be relationship and embrace the fact that I was falling inlove with a guy who I would never have even considered falling for. He is special that way.

Which brings me to the question why me and the great Kenny didn’t work out.. partly my fault because I did not have the patience.. and on his part.. for being stupid. But we loved each other. Still love each other as what he constantly says. But our love has never been enough to hold us. and I wonder why is that. He said he would do anything for me but he could not go home when all he needed to do was express that he wanted to go back and he would not have any problems. Its so confusing. He says all the right things but he does everything different. And I don’t even want to get into the part when he left me. I cried for three months. Every night I did. And on cab rides. On hearing sad songs. Sad movies. Commercials. Everything. And the funny part is.. 7 months passed, every time I think about it I still feel like tearing up. When Kenny talks to me I’m back to being that broken girl 7 months ago. I would feel like how I felt when he turned around before entering the departure gate… and me telling myself constantly that that sad smile of his will not be the last smile I would be getting from him. But as things are turning out now. It seems like I was wrong. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. I will not deny that I miss him. That I still love him.. but not inlove. Maybe because right from the start I knew I could not really have him.. because he would not let me in.. maybe that is what is drawing me to him. But I have to say that whatever denial or justification I will try to delude myself with. I knew we were inlove. We were mad about each other.

Right now there is Paulo. He is a friend. Of all the boyfriends I had I can say this with confidence. He is a friend. First and foremost. When I am with him.. he makes me feel me. But much more beautiful. And loved. And happy. No complications. All cards laid out on the table… all chips in. I hope this stays like this.

sex lies and breaking up
I was just watching Tyra show and they were talking about casual sex. What exactly defines casual sex? Most of my boyfriends… serious all of them… started and ended in a one night stand. We meet, we establish chemistry and we fuck and I cheat on them with another guy who I met, established chemistry with and fucked. No lighter way of putting it. I may have had reasons for cheating on them. Yes they may have been a jerk at one point in the relationship, or our relationship may have been on the rocks at that time, but still, sex is sex and cheating is cheating. I guess that’s my way of breaking it off. I would never have the guts to break up with a guy unless we were in the heat of a fight. And it’s hard for me to break up with a guy I love, who loves me back if I didn’t have a security net behind me… a new boy to feel all giddy about. Am I a horrible person???

I am twenty years old and I have had…(K, M, K, H, J, C, S, E, B, N, A, M, N, B, J, K, W, C, P, C) 20 boy toys, 13 of which I have gone all the way with, six of which happened between the years 2005 and 2006, eight have been casual sex, some of whom know each other but have no idea I have slept with the other, five I have had a serious emotional relationship with and four that i could barely remember. Does that a whore make me?

I do not believe in the rules of sex, emotions and relationships… I do not think they apply to me. I do not think there are rules actually. Sex is not always just sex. Sometimes it crosses the boundaries of making love, not all couple make love, not all one night stands just have sex, and one night stands can lead to love, but love can end in one night stands. People are capable of change… most of all… I would like to believe that people can forgive. I hope they can. Because I miss him… *sob*


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